Positive Parenting: Using Natural and Logical Consequences
Do you need some tips and strategies for discipline? The Melissa Institute breaks down the steps to help enforce natural and logical consequences with your children to gain and refine a few more tools in your parenting toolkit.
What are Natural and Logical Consequence?
In parenting, natural consequences are consequences that occur in response to a behavior without parental influence. For example, if a child decides to stay up late on a school night, the natural consequence is that they will be tired to next day. Or, if a child chooses not to use a rain coat, they will get wet.
Logical consequences are consequences that are set by an adult. For example, if a child draws on the wall, they are instructed to clean up what they drew.
Jane Nelson (1985) outlined the 3 R’s for logical consequences. Consequences should be:
- Related to the behavior
Related: If your child throws a toy, you take away the toy
Not related: you send her to bed early - Respectful towards the child and not involve shame or blame
Respectful: If your child spills a drink, you say, “Oops, looks like you spilled it, what should we do now?” - Reasonable in both the child’s and parent’s perspective
Reasonable: If your child gets in trouble at school for not completing a homework assignment, you discuss it with him and agree to cut TV or play time by 30 minutes to ensure the homework is completed.
Non-reasonable: you ground him for a month.
Using the 3 R’s, if a 3 year old has a toy taken away for throwing a tantrum at the grocery store, they will not be able to connect the consequence to the action and will view it as unfair. This consequence may fit some situations, such as if a child is throwing the toy, but not in the situation of a temper tantrum in a store. Plus, a temper tantrum at age 3 may be a developmentally appropriate response to an overwhelming grocery store! It is important to ask, “What is it that I want him/her to change or improve?”
How do you use Logical Consequences?
- Take a moment. Consequences are more likely to be respectful when you have a moment to take a step back rather than yelling or punishing.
- Consequences should be applied right after the misbehavior to help children see them as their own choice when they misbehave. When consequences are connected with inappropriate behavior, the more effective they will be in encouraging positive behavior.
- Enforce consequences privately when possible. Children may feel shame or humiliation when there are other people around.
- Use the 3 R’s.
- Ask. If you struggle to come up with a consequence, ask your child what he/she feels would be an appropriate consequence. Often, kids are great at coming up with fair consequences.
- Stick to the consequence. Once you set it, enforce it.
- Be patient. These consequences may not work right away, but it is important to stick to them.
- “Catch the child behaving well.” On topic of consequences, provide positive feedback and encouragement. (“You did such a great job picking up your toys”) When you provide well-timed positive feedback, they will feel loved and appreciated.
- Check in. There are times when logical consequences are not appropriate. If it is hard to come up with a logical consequence in a situation, it may not be the best method. It is important to find a method of consequences and parenting that fits for you. Depending on the child’s developmental age, you can choose to hold a family meeting, offer limited choices (“Would you like water or orange juice?” “We can either stay for 5 more minutes or leave now, your choice”), use safe spaces to calm down, set limits and stick to them, etc.
- Get professional help, if needed. When the problem is persistent and does not change even with the implementation of positive discipline, you can consult with a professional.
Resources:
Nelson, J. (1985). The Three R's of Logical Consequences, the Three R's of Punishment, and the Six Steps for Winning Children Over. Individual Psychology: Journal of Adlerian Theory, Research & Practice, 41(2), 161-165.
About the Author: Elise Suna, M.S.Ed., LMFT
Elise Suna, M.S.Ed., LMFT is the Education Director at The Melissa Institute for Violence Prevention and Treatment where she provides training and consultation to educators, mental health professionals, youth, and parents on bullying-prevention, trauma-informed care, promoting social-emotional development, mood disorders, and the prevention of interpersonal violence. She received a Master of Education degree, with a focus on marriage and family therapy, from the University of Miami. In addition to working at The Melissa Institute, Elise is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Coral Gables, FL.